A Different Kind of Beginning
September is NICU Awareness Month, a time to recognize the strength of babies who begin life in the neonatal intensive care unit—and the families who are learning to navigate an experience they may never have imagined.
For some parents, the first days and weeks with their baby look very different from what they pictured. Instead of settling into life at home, they may be spending hours beside an incubator, learning medical terminology, pumping milk around the clock, or leaving the hospital without their baby in their arms.
There can be joy, gratitude, fear, exhaustion, hope, sadness—and sometimes all of those feelings in the same hour.
If this is your story, you may be mourning the quiet, ordinary beginning you imagined while worrying about the health and safety of the baby you love more than anything. That is a tremendous amount for any new parent to carry and my heart is with you.
If Your Baby Is in the NICU
A NICU stay can make it difficult to know what you're supposed to be doing as a parent. There may be monitors, procedures, feeding challenges, medical decisions and a whole team of professionals caring for your baby. It can sometimes feel like you're visiting rather than parenting. But you are still your baby's parent.
Talk to your baby's care team about ways you can participate in their care when it is medically appropriate. Depending on your baby's needs, that might include skin-to-skin contact, diaper changes, feeding, talking or singing to your baby, or simply being present.
And remember that taking care of yourself is part of taking care of your baby. Eat something when you can. Drink water. Step outside for a few minutes. Sleep when you're able. Accept help. Take a shower. Cry when you need to. If being at your baby's bedside is where you need to be, be there. If you need to step away for a shower, a meal, some sleep, or a few quiet moments, give yourself permission to do that, too.
Allow yourself to have complicated feelings. You can be incredibly grateful for the medical care your baby is receiving and still be heartbroken that this is how your beginning looks. You can adore your baby and still feel overwhelmed. You can be relieved when your baby has a good day and terrified when something changes.
There is no right or wrong way to feel your way through a NICU experience. Whatever you're carrying right now, you deserve space and support for it.
Supporting a Friend With a Baby in the NICU
When someone you love has a baby in the NICU, it can be hard to know what to say—or how to help. You don't need to have the perfect words. You can't fix this situation for them. But you can show up.
When someone is overwhelmed, exhausted, and focused on their baby's health, it can be difficult to know what to ask for—or even to recognize what would help. Instead of putting the responsibility on them to come up with a need, offer something specific.
"I'm going to the grocery store. I will grab you some milk, bread, and sandwich stuff. What else can I pick up for you?"
"I'm dropping dinner at your door tonight. Would you rather soup or lasagna?"
"I would love take care of your laundry this weekend. Is Saturday morning an okay time for me to be at your house for a couple of hours?"
"Would you like company, or would you rather have some quiet time?"
"No need to respond—I just want you to know I'm thinking about you."
A NICU parent is still postpartum. They may be recovering from birth, dealing with hormonal changes, pumping milk, sleeping very little, and carrying an enormous amount of emotional stress—all while spending hours at the hospital. Plus, a NICU stay can last days, weeks, or longer. The first few days often bring an outpouring of support, but the experience can become lonelier as time goes on. Your support will mean the world to that family, as will allowing them to inform how you care for them.
How a Postpartum Doula Can Help
A postpartum doula doesn't replace the medical care provided by your baby's NICU team. We don't diagnose, treat, or make medical decisions. What we can do is support the family around that medical care.
Practical support at home
When parents are spending hours at the hospital, life at home doesn't stop. Meals still need to be made. Laundry still needs to be done. Pets need care. There may be older children who need attention. A postpartum doula can help with appropriate household and family support so parents have more time and energy for themselves and their baby.
Emotional support
There is a lot to process during a NICU stay. A postpartum doula can offer a calm, nonjudgmental space to talk, cry, celebrate a milestone, or simply acknowledge, "This is really hard." Sometimes you don't need another person telling you that everything will be okay. Sometimes you just need someone who can sit beside you in the uncertainty.
Support for the postpartum parent
Your baby may be in the NICU, but you are still postpartum. Your body still needs time to recover from pregnancy and birth. You still need food, hydration, rest, emotional support, and care. A postpartum doula can help keep the parent's needs from disappearing completely into the needs of the NICU.
Preparing for home
Bringing your baby home after a NICU stay can be incredibly exciting—and surprisingly stressful. After spending weeks surrounded by medical professionals and equipment, suddenly being home can feel very different. A postpartum doula can provide non-medical support as your family settles into life at home, helping with practical newborn care, household support, routines, and the transition into this next chapter.
Supporting the whole family
A NICU stay affects more than the baby. Partners may be coping differently. Older siblings may not understand why their parents are spending so much time at the hospital. Grandparents and other family members may be trying to help while managing their own worry. Postpartum support can help the whole family find its footing.
Every NICU journey is different.
Some babies go home quickly. Others need weeks or months of specialized care. Some parents feel confident navigating the hospital environment. Others feel completely overwhelmed. Some families have extensive support networks, while others are doing this largely on their own. There is no single right way to feel about it. What matters is that families don't have to navigate it alone.
If you or someone you love is currently experiencing a NICU stay, I hope you know this:
You are still a new parent. You still deserve support. Your recovery still matters. And needing help doesn't mean you're not strong enough to do this. Sometimes the beginning doesn't look anything like we imagined. That doesn't mean it can't still become a beautiful one.
Sending all of my love to my precious NICU families.